Friday, January 14, 2005

The Actual Cause Of Mad Cow Disease:

7:00am yesterday morning.

Me (freaked out edgy voice): Hello???
Assistant from work (apologetic): Sorry to wake you – just calling to let you know that I won’t be at work today.

Me (looking at the clock & trying to sound polite): S’okay I was up. You know, you can just send an email. I mean, I’m glad you called but you don’t have to call, you can send me an email. Just for next time… you know? Never mind, nothing that comes out of my mouth before 7:30am makes any sense…
AFW: Yes I know, I just figured you wouldn’t be in either – what with the school busses not running and the daycare being closed due to the extreme weather conditions.

Me (sitting up fully in bed): The busses aren’t running? The daycare is closed? Jeez! What’s the temperature out?
AFW: Well, It’s –40c out here at the farm but I’d say close to –58c with the wind chill.

Cow: Mooooooooooooooo!

Me (groggy): What? Is that mooing in the background?
AFW: Fraid so. I’m actually calling from my cell phone. Me and the husband are out in the field with the blow torch trying to melt the cow’s water so they can get a drink.

Me (damn that sucks voice): Really? Damn...That sucks! What do you do with the cows when it gets this cold?
AFW: Nothing, they just huddle together and pretty much freeze their knackers off.

Cow: Moooo…jesus…christ…moooooooooooo!

Me (giddy): So I guess it’s a snow day then. Well at least the kids will be thrilled. Stay warm and see you tomorrow! Oh, and good luck with the blow torching. Boy, you farm people are sure tough folk.
AFW (teeth chattering): You bet, stay warm!

Cow: Motherfuckingmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!


Blogger tommy said...

My grandfather had a cow with no ears. It was born on one of those silly extra cold days and they froze and had to be removed. He spent the day and night with the calf to try and keep it alive. Jeez I don't want any part of being back on a farm.

8:09 PM  
Blogger darth said...

yikes...arethusa (in PEI) always makes fun of me when i complain about the cold weather here in the sfbayarea-like yesterday it was low +40s

ok, i won't complain anymore...-40c? wtf? poor cows.

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Profanity precludes phonetic precision and blasphemous rumination from hyper-chilled bovines scretch willing suspension of disbelief to absolute zero. Prose can be clean and coldly incisive while still warming a bowl of recently gathered figid prairie oysters. Anyway, brass monkey weather just adds a little Copper to the Tin(selly) balls of our post X-mas season here in the Hinterland.

Moohooing about the weather remains time honoured, but hogtying your Blogger gift in the pathetic trappings of Gangsta' Rap questions literary integrity.

Just adding a little Ice Cube to my Critique in this New Year - only for those who wish to thrive in two thousand and five!

Cheers ;~) - OYLer

10:47 AM  
Blogger honestyrain said...

i love when you do dialogue. it cracks me the hell up.

poor cows. moofuckingmoo indeed.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Lexagirl said...

OYLer: I appreciate your critique. I think that profanity used in a manner that is degrading and insulting to another person is indeed classless. But I have to say that I disagree. The use of well-placed expletives can provide authenticity and color to dialogue.They can also be quite humorous for example:

An Elizabethan cow might bellow (given your love for alliteration): Alas thine air is a frigid as a fobbing folly-fallen fustilarian – moooooooo!

Where as a Gangsta cow would be more like: Yo niggaz it’s colder than a bitch talkin shit, huffin a dip – moooooooooooooo! (This line was ever so slightly adapted from Snoop Dog’s Gangsta Walk)

That being said, consider that the cow I describe above is from Colinton, Alberta and it’s –58c, I have to say that I do indeed believe this cow might udder (pun intended) Motherfuckingmoooooo!

M’eh, I am not writing for Disney, what the hell, I think it’s funny.

1:28 PM  
Blogger blackdaisies said...

I laughed till I cried ... truly, I have seen those cows with frozen snot hanging from their testicles ... yoiks!

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg, POOR cow! lol
Thanks for the laugh!

2:10 PM  
Blogger LilRed said...

Those poor damn cows. And I thought it got cold in Oklahoma. Sheesh! We never get that cold!

Don't know if you got my comment back to you on my blog ... but yes, please feel free to link to me! I need all the help I can get!

And please bring us more cow humor!

3:53 PM  
Blogger Texas Biscuit said...

I found one of your funny comments (on darth I think?), and just had to come visit. I LOVED this post - very funny, great dialogue, and I certainly appreciated your response to that anonymous no-cursing dude. Whatever. Good for you! I'll be back!! :)

8:56 PM  

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