Monday, August 01, 2005

Another Day Another Holler: Telltale Signs Of Motherhood

1. Even though everyone who resides in your house has several of their own grooming devices - your hairbrush is the one that is always missing.
2. Once you find your hairbrush - you then have to spend 15 minutes picking sparkly doll hair out if it.
3. You have designated “time-out” locations in your house.
4. You spend your “free-time” doing laundry.
5. You have come to the conclusion that - left to their own devices the other members of your family would indeed all die from scurvy while wearing dirty underwear.
6. You have shouted variations of: “I swear to GOD the next one of you who starts crying, screaming or whining will be sold on ebay! In Canadian Dollars!!”
7. You used to be thinner and go out to places ALONE. Ahh… Good times…
8. You have stepped on pieces of Lego/ ello/ Clickets/ Hot Wheels etc…at 2:00am and had to stifle your scream for fear of waking the baby.
9. The mere thought of packing for a family camping trip causes you to have an anxiety attack.
10. You used to be able to remember things – now you write lists.
11. You have had to pull off of the freeway during rush hour traffic and find a gas station not because you are low on gas, but because somebody in the back seat “Has to go really bad!”
12. You wipe the counter in your kitchen about 500 times a day and you never seem to have any clean spoons.
13. You know the difference between a fake cry and a real one.
14. Your house is stocked with Band-Aids that sport Disney characters on them.
15. Your husband understands that a hard elbow to the gut at 3:00am while he is feigning sleep means that he had better go deal with that screaming child in the other room.
16. You have at one time signed a permission form with an orange crayon because there was no other alternative and the bus was coming.
17. You have sympathized with other parents whose children were misbehaving in public places while at the same time thanking God that this time it was not you.
18. You are expected to know where every bloody thing in the house is and are met with complete disbelief when you “don’t know where the Gameboy is.”
19. You are up to speed on subtle differences between: Groovy Girls, Barbies, Bratz Dolls, Polly Pockets, and My Scene dolls.
20. You are now resigned to the disgusting fact that none of the clothing and accessories for any of the above will fit any of the other dolls.
21. You have looked at the family dog who is curled up on the floor next to the garbage can peacefully napping and have been jealous.
22. You have learned things the hard way such as: Natural Childbirth REALLY FREAKING hurts but that a sleepover party at your house with 10 eight-year old girls is much, much worse.
23. You have realized that unless you are the one to put the groceries away that your family will simply graze right out of the bags.
24. You feel quite accomplished when you have managed to keep the dirt level in your house down to silt.
25. Your war wounds include: stretch marks, cellulite, gray hairs, a facial tic and the crazed look of a woman on the edge that will motivate your husband to install the new kitchen sink taps and may occasionally inspire your children to pick up their rooms.
26. When you start cleaning the house you notice that family members seem to disappear - yet when you go into the bathroom and shut the door they miraculously reappear and need you to do stuff for them.
27. You have stayed up really REALLY late making a child’s Halloween costume only to be met with a comment like “it’s okay, I guess…”
28. You now buy your children’s Halloween costumes.
29. You notice that your own mother appears to be enjoying your complaints of “The kids are driving me nuts!” just a little too much.
30. You really enjoy when all is quiet - but fear above all else when it is TOO quiet.

And,
31. You would not change one thing about your life.
(Except for maybe that being thinner thing…)

42 Comments:

Blogger DrinkJack said...

Don't hate me to much, but I can't stop laughing at the list. I can picture each and every one. Especially the whole grazing through the grocery bags and the designation of time-out locations in all of the rooms.

Hope all is well and the entire family is back home.

5:51 PM  
Blogger Ian-Ivy du Bois said...

ohhhhh you r back!!!! i missed u!!!!
btw mom hates that list, i translated to her and she almost cried hahahahahaha

10:11 PM  
Blogger deanne said...

You're back! Yay!

4:01 AM  
Anonymous tommy said...

hard elbow to the gut at 3:00am

Stop that.

9:25 AM  
Blogger darth said...

hahahaha...the one about it being too quiet...so true..."did you just hear something?" "no" "me neither, i'm gonna go check on him".

12:14 PM  
Anonymous honestyrain said...

she lives!

that was at once accurate and hilarious. sing it sister, you sing for us all. mothers unite!

4:23 PM  
Blogger just sayin' said...

that was very funny. it was even funnier because there is an "active" three-year living at this house. I understand every single thing you listed.

8:21 AM  
Blogger kalisekj said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.

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Blogger Connor Wilson said...

Every year my son Dylan and I have been building our Halloween animatronic display. This year we added 12 new figures and my wife had been making the clothes etc. but then I clued in that Halloween Costumes were the ideal solution - ya, ok I'm slow but...This year is really cool because we've done an HP Lovecraft display that I'm sure he'd appreciate but I'm not so sure he'd approve of this - The Necronomicon - Is it just me or is that just plain goofy ? Anyway, everybody is doing their own Haunted House thing now but hey - it's fun and if you've got kids I really suggest you try it yourself if you haven't already. It's a nice change from the usual Christmas Lights routine and a lot of scaaarrry fun. Happy Halloween everybody.

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